SpoofFrog

Reader Survey: Here Come the Holidays

2010-10-28T09:06:00.000-05:00

We asked our readers: How do you make holiday entertaining easy and fun?
75% Serve lots of liquor
40% Leave town
38% For Pete’s sake, Halloween isn’t even over yet, and you’re already pushing Christmas!
22% Convert to Judaism
17% Is that pie chart apple or pumpkin?
Responses exceed 100% due to surveyors’ poor grasp of arithmetic.

Fun with Flu Shots

2010-10-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

Haven’t gotten your flu shot yet? Why not?! What the heck is wrong with you???????

Oops, sorry. We meant to say that these days it’s so easy and convenient to get your annual flu vaccination, since Walgreens, Target and other chains offer them on a walk-in basis. But here are some other providers you may not have heard of.

Ace Hardware provides flu shots in its power tools department in conjunction with Stihl Tools. You can specify drill speed, from excruciatingly slow to exceedingly fast.

At Wild Birds Unlimited, your shot is administered by a real live woodpecker. Just make sure that the clerk cleans the bird’s bill between customers.

Sherwin Williams Paint offers shots in 459 colors from pastel to designer shades. If you’ve never had a flu shot before, ask to be primed first.

Gardening for Dummies

2010-09-28T13:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Garden Expert,
The trees in our yard are turning yellow and dropping all their leaves. I tried gluing the leaves back on, but the wind blew them off again. Are my trees dying? Help!

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried:
Those of us in the gardening industry are familiar with this leaf syndrome. It occurs during what is technically known as Autumn. Your yard is located in Zone 9½: Arctic, where Autumn will be followed by eight months of Winter. Then comes six hours of Spring, and finally, Summer, when the leaves will grow back (maybe). Enjoy your yard!

‘Precycled’ Packaging Bypasses Entire Process

2010-08-30T09:08:00.000-05:00

A typical day's worth of merchandise sold.

First there was packaging made from recycled materials. Then came packaging that could be recycled in a compost bin after use. Now, a Vermont company has introduced “precycled” packaging, which eliminates the process altogether.

Products ordered online from Mulchification.com never leave the factory. Instead they are immediately delivered to a mulch pile behind the warehouse, where they disintegrate within a week.

“It all started when we began offering packaging made from gently recycled toilet paper,” says company president Jimbob Cootie. “It never really caught on, but suddenly we realized that was the whole point. Why deliver physical products at all?

“Now we offer ‘carbon offsets’ based on the value of products you order but don’t actually receive. It’s a great way to reduce your carbon footprint while keeping the packaging odor out of your house.”

Mulchification’s product line includes organic cotton t-shirts, organic celery, and ugly hand-knit caps with earflaps.

Wisconsin losing sunlight; Illinois suspected

2010-08-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

(Sullivan, Wis.) Wisconsin is now losing about three minutes of sunlight per day, and most state meteorologists point to Illinois as the culprit.

Officials at the National Weather Service’s local office noted that while Wisconsin’s daylight grows shorter, the length of days in Illinois has increased.

“They’re not even trying to hide it,” noted one official, who asked to remain anonymous because of death threats from the Chicago mob. “Some evenings in Cicero, the sun doesn’t set until 10:30 p.m.”

Although local officials have appealed for federal intervention, little help is expected, with most federal officials currently investigating the annual theft of warm winter weather by the Caribbean islands.

'Purgatory Perks' Provide Heavenly Value

2010-08-17T12:03:00.004-05:00

(Bentonville, Ark. and Vatican City, Rome) Determined to outdo “cents off at the gas pump” promotions hosted recently by regional supermarkets, Wal-Mart Stores Inc. and the Vatican have jointly announced the Purgatory Perks program.

Various products throughout each Wal-Mart store are identified with the PP symbol and the amount to be earned. For instance:

Ritz crackers, 36-oz. box: 3 days
Bounty jumbo paper towels, 8-pack: 1 week
John Deere riding mower: 45 years

Customers who buy qualifying products simply present their PP card to be scanned at checkout. Points accumulate throughout one’s lifetime. Upon death (a.k.a. the “final checkout”), a participant’s accumulated total is applied immediately, reducing the time to be spent in purgatory.

"We anticipate our customers will appreciate the great savings as Wal-Mart seeks to expand its value parameters into the hereafter,” said Wal-Mart President and CEO Mike Duke. Pope Benedict XVI added, “Dominus deus ex precipio mundum est, in nomine Wal-Mart.”

Ancient Tool Misuse Uncovered

2010-08-12T07:35:00.000-05:00

(New York) – Scientists announced archeological evidence from Ethiopia revealing that tools were misused much earlier than previously thought.

These remains of stone tools and human bones show that the hammer was invented about 3.4 million years ago, and that a thumb was struck by the hammer about 5 minutes later.

In a separate and equally important find, archeologists discovered evidence of the first product liability lawsuit. However, since the hammer-user was probably also the manufacturer of the hammer, the lawsuit was soon dropped.

This Week’s Unadoptable Pet: Brutus

2010-08-11T08:48:00.000-05:00

Brutus, a three-year old gorilla, was rescued from a puppy mill and is looking for a forever home with fellow hominids. When he's not in his 20-by-20-foot cage, this 800-pound guy sits – you guessed it – wherever he wants.

Brutus rides well in the car (on the roof) and knows the commands “come,” “stay,” “sit,” and “put down the toddler.” He likes bananas, uses American Sign Language, and prefers a Sleep Number bed with a firmness setting of 75.

Brutus will return your love with great loyalty and affection. He will wash your car, change the oil and check the tire air pressure. He also makes a great babysitter for children strong enough to bench press 200 pounds.

Quantum Physics on a Stick

2010-08-05T16:00:00.000-05:00

Quantum physics, minus the stick.

Quantum Physics on a Stick, the new taste treat at the 2010 Wisconsin State Fair, got off to a slow start at the fair’s opening day.

The president of the Albert Einstein School of Cosmetology, which sold the deep-fried treat at its booth, predicted that sales of QPS would eventually pick up “even though only one person in a thousand can actually understand what it is.”

A random sampling of those who purchased QPS revealed that just 5% felt smarter after eating it, while 52% said it tasted like chicken.

Get Fat at the Fair

2010-08-02T14:33:00.000-05:00

The Wisconsin State Fair begins this Thursday. Time to loosen your belt several notches!

Arrive hungry. Everything tastes better then.
Avoid drinking water. Instead, have a beer. Heck, have a whole pitcher of beer, even if you’re drinking alone.
Caffeinated beverages tend to dehydrate you, so guzzle them to help rid your body of “water weight.”
Rent a motorized scooter to keep from wasting precious energy while waddling from one food booth to another.
Avoid the swine barn, which might remind you of the last time you looked in the mirror.
Don’t waste your appetite on low-fat meats like ostrich and bison. Ecch! Ptooey!
Stay away from fresh fruits, flavored milk, and anything else available at the grocery store.
Get more bang from your buck with delights like chocolate-covered bacon on a stick, which provides protein, fat, dessert, and fiber (if you chew clear through the stick).

From Potter to Pig

2010-07-30T08:11:00.000-05:00

(Hollywood, Calif.) Actor Daniel Radcliffe hopes his upcoming movie “Green Acres: The Musical” will free him from typecasting as Harry Potter, a role he has played for more than 10 years.

In the new film, Radcliffe plays Arnold Ziffel, an intelligent, pampered pig who attends school and watches westerns on TV. The role challenged him as an actor: “At first I wondered: what is Arnold’s motivation? But before long I realized he has the same motivation as most people – to lie on the couch, watch television and overeat.”

Who says TV’s not educational?

2010-07-27T06:58:00.000-05:00

Historical facts gleaned from premier episode of Pillars of the Earth on the Starz network:

1. Donald Sutherland is still alive.

Sneak preview of next episode: The Earl of Sandwich invents a lunch item.

Five Tips for Taking Great Vacation Photos

2010-07-22T16:29:00.000-05:00

Go somewhere interesting.
Look for themes: nonstop rain, constantly getting lost, or consistently awful food. Take a series of photos elaborating on the theme as it develops.
Always carry your camera. Sometimes the best photo-ops occur in unexpected places, like public restrooms.
Practice beforehand to learn technical aspects of your camera, like taking off the lens cap before pressing the shutter release.
Shoot embarrassing candids of family members snoring in the back seat, stuffing their faces at a buffet, falling off a mechanical bull, and so on. Shots like these can provide significant blackmail income when you threaten to post them online.

Yellow Jersey Lost…Again

2010-07-20T07:40:00.004-05:00

(Somewhere-Unpronounceable-in-France) – Cyclist Andy Schleck lost the yellow jersey to Alberto Contador during the 15th stage of the Tour de France yesterday.

“He tore the shirt off my back,” Schleck noted after the stage. “I never saw him coming.”

Losses are not uncommon among wearers of the yellow jersey. Previous leaders have lost the jersey at the dry cleaners, left it at a girlfriend’s house and forgotten it in public restrooms after taking a sponge bath. However, it is rare for a Tour leader to lose the jersey during the race itself.

Schleck vowed revenge, despite rumors that Contador plans to duct-tape the shirt to his torso during the next stage.

Brett Favre: He’s Baaaaack

2010-07-16T09:11:00.000-05:00

(Minneapolis) In a press conference yesterday, elderly quarterback Brett Favre broke into song while reflecting on recent career lowlights. Asked about the fateful fourth-quarter interception in the NFC championship game last January, Favre sang:
I’ve gotta be me
I’ve gotta be me
Forcing a pass
Getting knocked on my ass
I’ve gotta be me

Favre also claimed he was so dehydrated during a comeback victory over the San Francisco 49ers that he went 13 hours without urinating:
I just couldn’t pee
I just couldn’t pee
Daring to try
Made me totally dry
I just couldn’t pee

The song outburst forced most reporters to flee the conference room.

Tips for landscaping with rocks

2010-07-11T18:04:00.000-05:00

Burying the rock 4 to 6 inches into the ground makes a big difference.

Rocks and boulders add that special finishing touch to your landscape design. Experts define rocks as pieces of stone you can move by yourself, whereas boulders are those requiring two or more suckers – er, friends – to transport.

A common mistake is to simply plunk the boulder atop the ground. Instead, bury it several inches so it looks as if a meteor plummeted into your yard.

It’s also a good idea to place rocks in groups, so they don’t get lonely. Be sure the groups are compatible, though. Sedimentary rocks get along with most any other rocks, but igneous rocks tend to pick fights with each other. Other notoriously quarrelsome types are decidious rocks and liquid hot magma.

Larger rocks can be used to create what’s known in the trade as a rock wall. If you’re not well versed in grouting techniques, never fear. Simply create a base about eight feet wide, then keep piling rocks on top until the wall is as tall as necessary to keep out the neighborhood cats.

What’s on YOUR campfire stick?

2010-07-07T20:31:00.000-05:00

Recently I used the Survey Minkey tool to ask randomly selected SpoofFrog Croaks subscribers: What’s your favorite campfire food? Here’s what they said.

55% flaming, charred marshmallows
50% flaming, charred hot dogs
42% baked beans a la “Blazing Saddles”
30% raw carrot
24% mashed potatoes
1% eye of newt, muah-haaa-haaaa
Note: Due to careless rounding, responses do not equal 100%.

To increase your odds of getting randomly selected for future polls of SpoofFrog Croaks subscribers, try to be as random as you can. Also, sign up for SpoofFrog Croaks at http://www.carsonmania.com/ so I’ll know you exist.

Jekyll Hyde, DDS

2010-07-07T20:19:00.000-05:00

Most dentists are jovial and compassionate. But if jolly/benign is not your bag, here are three surefire tactics to turn your dentist into a raving sadist.

Say: “Hey, doc. ‘Is it safe?’ Ha ha ha ha!”
Go on and on about Steve Martin’s character in “Little Shop of Horrors.”
Ask for nitrous oxide the next time you get your teeth cleaned. Halfway through the procedure, fall out of the chair.

Career Hints: The Elevator Pitch

2010-07-07T19:27:00.000-05:00

Everyone needs an “elevator pitch” – a description of your objectives so concise you can deliver it in the time it takes to ride up an elevator. Or maybe down an elevator, depending on how your career’s going.

For example:

“Do you know vere I can find Sarah Connah? I have been programmed to assassinate her.”

Refine and rehearse your elevator pitch until you’ve got it down cold. Then network like crazy until you find that valuable contact person who knows where Sarah Connah is.

Spy vs. Spy

2010-06-30T08:02:00.000-05:00

Code word greetings and answers used by alleged Russian agents, counter-agents and counter-counter agents to verify a contact’s identity:

“Excuse me – didn’t we meet in Beijing last year?”
“No, but your pants are on backward.”

“Could we have met at Summerfest in 2008?”
“Yes, we might have. Were you the guy who dumped a beer down my back?”

“Pardon me, is there a poultry processing plant nearby?”
“Yes, it’s right next to the tuxedo rental store.”

A Word to the Wine

2010-06-29T08:04:00.001-05:00

(San Francisco) The International Association of Wine Snobs has issued the following Standards Updates.

Section 1.87.2 Replacements for overused adjectives
Dry will henceforth be known as parched. Full-bodied is now obese. Sweet has been renamed cloying.

Section 1.94.9 New adjectives
Employ the following descriptions for wine when applicable: crisp, grassy, oaky, velvety, icky, sleepy, dopey, Guernsey, huge, lemonade-y, irritable, damp, and hardworking.

Go Forth to the Fourth

2010-06-28T11:58:00.000-05:00

Gear up your brain for Independence Day with this multiple-guess quiz.

(1) American patriot Patrick Henry’s famous speech proclaimed: “Give me liberty or give me ____.” (a) Spandex (b) a glass of ale (c) something other than liberty.

(2) “The Star Spangled Banner” is based on which 18th-century tune? (a) “It’s a Small World” (b) “Stayin’ Alive” (c) “The Whiffenpoof Song”

(3) Small-town parades often kick off with fire trucks blaring their sirens to (a) make sure they still work (b) wake up senior citizens dozing in lawn chairs along the parade route.

LinkedIn Through the Ages: William Tecumseh Sherman

2010-06-24T08:46:00.000-05:00

From General Sherman’s LinkedIn profile:

Recommendations for William

“I highly recommend Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman, whose brilliant executive abilities helped me defeat the Confederacy. His “scorched earth” policy established new benchmarks for effective warfare, tearing through the countryside with no distinction between military and civilian opponents. I am also impressed that he has three full names rather than just a middle initial.” March 22, 1870

[2nd degree connection] Ulysses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States
-- was with another company when he worked with William in the Union Army

Beat the Heat

2010-06-22T15:00:00.000-05:00

It seems like just yesterday you were complaining about the bitter cold. Now you’re too hot. That’s the beauty of a four-season climate: there’s always something to complain about.

Here are some ways to keep your cool this summer.

It’s at least 10 degrees cooler in the shade, so rip up a large tree, place it in a trailer, and tow it behind your car.
Avoid turning on the oven. At breakfast, fire up the outdoor grill to prepare oatmeal; for best results, use a pot. At lunch and supper, search recipe websites for summertime favorites like Popsicle Casserole and Shaved Ice Au Gratin.
Stock your refrigerator with plenty of lemonade, iced tea and fruit juices. While your kids are busy drinking these, you can sneak off to a resort where the air conditioning works better than yours.
Live in your basement from May until September.

Force Your Kids To Read This Summer

2010-06-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

Never mind the topic; buy your daughter a book that complements her hair color.

Having a hard time cramming the school’s summer reading program down your kids’ throats? Create your own incentives. Establish the number of books (say, 10,000) they must read before Labor Day. Then promise them a reward when they reach this goal. Make sure the reward is meaningful to your child, such as a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, a Maserati, or the chance to set fire to a sibling’s room.

This week on The Tudors

2010-06-14T07:04:00.000-05:00

This week on the penultimate* episode of Showtime’s “The Tudors”:

Henry’s old age becomes evident in a rasping Al Pacino voice acquired overnight. As head of the Church of England, he establishes the Sacrament of Sitting in a Recliner.

The Earl of Sussex stands trial for unauthorized use of the royal platypus in his family crest, as well as for having the word “sex” in his surname. He nearly escapes prison by sliding down the crapper but is apprehended and taken to a maximum-security toilet-less cell.

Five minutes after a Protestant female preacher is burned at the stake for heresy, Queen Katherine arouses Henry’s suspicion by inviting reformer Martin Luther to high tea at the palace.

*Penultimate: Latin for “thank goodness it’s wheezing to an end”

You’re not getting older, you’re getting noisier

2010-06-11T07:26:00.000-05:00

In your 50s, when you pick up something that has fallen to the floor, you grunt when you straighten up.

In your 60s, when picking something off the floor, you grunt when you bend down and when you straighten up.

In your 70s, you grunt when you merely think about picking up something from the floor.

In your 80s, when something falls on the floor, it stays there.

Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver

2010-06-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

Don't drink.
Don't get hepatitis.

Ummm...to be continued when I think of 48 more ways....

Celebrity Horoscope: Douglas MacArthur

2010-06-08T14:24:00.002-05:00

GENERAL MacARTHUR, your horoscope for today…Your immediate plans will meet stiff opposition. Leave at high tide. You shall return.

Send in the Clones for Gagapalooza

2010-06-07T13:43:00.003-05:00

Lady Gaga with clone #278.

The managers of Lady Gaga confirmed rumors today that the pop star has been cloned into multiple copies. The cloning enables her to play several concerts simultaneously around the world each night of her summer tour, Gagapalooza.

Highlights of the tour will include:

enormous stage sets, including the actual Empire State Building and the Golden Gate Bridge
costumes purchased from all participants in the 2010 Rose Parade in Pasadena, Calif.; Mardis Gras 2010 in New Orleans, La.; and the 2005 ordination of Pope Benedict XVI at Vatican City
a dance troupe consisting of the entire population of China

This Week’s Unadoptable Pet: Gilbert

2010-06-04T14:24:00.000-05:00

Gilbert is a 2-year-old alligator who’s a bit shy, but once he warms up to you, he’ll be your forever friend. Gilbert likes to cuddle on the couch, watch TV, and swallow whole frozen chickens.

When he’s with his family, Gilbert loves being handled and will roll onto his back for a belly rub. Gilbert is leash trained. He gets along with other pets, especially poultry. He doesn’t even need a crate or a pet bed, since he prefers sleeping in your bathtub.

Gilbert would be OK with kids, provided they can run really, really fast.

The Capitalist Manifesto, by Joe Hummingbird

2010-06-03T10:31:00.001-05:00

Sugar water is a scarce commodity.

Never share. Even if there are three perches on the feeder, it is better to chase another hummingbird all over the garden than to let him drink.

Yellowjackets are probably Communists, since they share the feeder with each other.

Seen in the Showroom

2010-06-02T14:22:00.000-05:00

Manufacturer’s sticker on new 2011 model Suicide Pod:
EPA Performance Standards
city: 2,888 mpg
highway: No way, Jose

Standard Features
one-speed transmission with Fred Flintstone foot-propelled overdrive
Matchbox Car wheels
two-anorexic-person seating

Options
Glove compartment next-of-kin card holder
GPS location transmitter so rescue crews know where to bring spatula if you venture onto highway
Deluxe St. Christopher statue on dashboard
Emergency kit with placards: “Send Help,” “Send Spatula,” and “Too Late, Never Mind”

Waiting for Chick-To-Go

2010-06-01T13:44:00.000-05:00

Was this entrée worth 30 minutes of your life?

Ways to kill time while waiting at the supermarket deli for the dozen-piece broasted chicken dinner you were told (20 minutes ago) would be ready in five minutes:

Stand at the deli, loudly counting: “One, Mississippi…two Mississippi…”
In the dairy aisle, grab a can of Reddi-Whip and spray “H8 2 W8” on the refrigerated case’s glass door.
Page through celebrity magazines. Black out teeth in photos of Sarah Jessica Parker.
Commandeer a phone at a cashier’s station and announce over the intercom: “Aww, f*** it, Dude, let’s go bowling.”

Weather Perfect for 3-Day Holiday; End of World Feared

2010-06-01T09:24:00.000-05:00

Anxious picnickers put on a brave front.

Madison, WI – Area residents braced for the end of the world after three consecutive days of perfect weather over Memorial Day weekend. Accustomed to all-day rains, frost and slush at this supposed kickoff for summer, residents had to be herded by National Guard troops toward parks, beaches and recreation trails. Many expressed fear that the end of the world was at hand.

Weather anxiety was also blamed for a flare-up of tempers at the World’s Largest Brat Fest on Monday. An incursion by the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile was met with a volley of hot barbecue coals by the fest’s sponsor, Johnsonville Brats. The Weinermobile closed all its ports and dove to the bottom of a park lagoon, where it remained until a really crummy garage band at the main stage drove everyone away, including the Johnsonville grill team.

Those bloody lupines!

2010-05-26T09:20:00.000-05:00

The bloody lupines are blooming again. For the next few weeks we’ll sit on lupines, sleep in lupines, feed the cat with lupines, burn lupines, and even wear the bloody things. We’re sick to death with the stench of them! The cat even choked itself on them! We don’t care if we never see another lupine until the day we die!! Bloody lupines!!!

Celebrity Horoscope: Fredo Corleone

2010-05-25T13:13:00.000-05:00

FREDO, your horoscope for today…You should marry a nice girl, like Kay. Your chances for career advancement seem unlikely; you will be sent to pick up somebody at the airport. Avoid fishing trips.

This Week's Unadoptable Dog: Shrinking Violet

2010-05-25T10:54:00.000-05:00

“Submissive” doesn’t begin to describe Shrinking Violet. This Miniature Daschund is so shy, she pees on the floor if you so much as think about her...even if you’re in another room. Her previous family tore out all their carpeting and replaced it with concrete.

If you are lucky enough to find Shrinking Violet in her latest hiding space (under the bed, under the couch, under the refrigerator, etc.), she will roll belly-up and play dead.

Shrinking Violet has been spayed and will gladly surrender additional organs to appease you. She is not recommended for households where there is any talking, sneezing, sounds of music or TV, shadows, or drafts.

This Week's Unadoptable Cat: Meanie

2010-05-25T09:50:00.000-05:00

Meanie is a short-haired black cat who attacks anyone within reach. The family who brought her to our shelter claimed their child had developed an allergy. Ha!

Meanie is definitely not housetrained; buy yourself a gas mask. She insists on sleeping underneath your bed and rakes your bare feet with her claws when you get up in the morning.

If you don’t provide just the right brand of expensive canned food, Meanie will break into your cupboard and lap up all the extra-virgin olive oil.

Meanie is about 13 years old and will probably outlive you, especially if you try to pet her.

10 Beauty Mistakes That Make You Look Old

2010-05-21T14:53:00.000-05:00

Being older than 53.
Lipstick extended several inches beyond your natural lip line.
Hair dyed the color of beneath-the-rim toilet bowl deodorizer.
Wearing all your jewelry at once.
Plunging necklines which reveal that your cleavage has turned to saggage.
Two or more inches of foundation makeup.
Too-small Spanx underwear that redistributes the blubber up to your ribcage.
Hanging around with Red Hat Ladies.
Wearing nurse shoes to a formal dinner.
Filling in your crow’s feet with eyeliner pencil.

LazyTones: Shoes for the Slothful

2010-05-21T14:48:00.000-05:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

South Milwaukee, WI – Okay, so Reebok’s new EasyTones athletic shoes are inspired by balance ball technology that strengthens your muscles with every step, blah blah blah. But if you’re like most people, you’d rather sit on your butt than tone it. You’re a LazyTones customer.

Here’s a side-by-side comparison from our actual field tests.

Cost EasyTones athletic shoes retail for $100; LazyTones slippers are available at dollar stores everywhere.

Toning   EasyTones generate 28% more gluteus maximus muscle activation; LazyTones generate 57% more eating of Lay’s Potato Chips.

User reports   EasyTones wearers believe their muscles are working harder; LazyTones wearers believe “America’s Funniest Home Videos” isn’t as funny as it used to be.

Automatic benefits   EasyTones automatically provide a workout; LazyTones automatically sweep up excess pet hair from the carpet.

# # #

For more information, contact Layin’ Around da House Industries, http://www.layinarounddahouse.com/.

The Interminable Tudors

2010-05-21T09:31:00.000-05:00

How come Jonathan Rhys Meyers isn't this fat?

In case you haven’t been following Showtime’s “The Tudors” this season, here’s a synopsis.

Henry suspects his fifth wife, the former Lady Katherine Puberty, of two-timing him with the Royal Navy.

Prince Edward the Precious falls ill with a fever, then recovers, upon which Henry orders a solemn service of thanksgiving...for the fidelity of his wife.

The former Lady Katherine Puberty becomes the former Queen of England when she is beheaded for adultery.

Henry marries Lady Catherine Perimenopause. Five minutes later, when she fails to produce a son and heir, he has her beheaded.

Spain’s ambassador to England, longtime champion of Henry’s first wife Katherine of Arrogance, celebrates his 357th birthday.

Smuggled documents reveal that France’s King Francis privately refers to Henry as a “fat pig.” Henry declares war on France. Ten minutes later, England is victorious, and Francis signs a treaty declaring that Henry is “not a fat pig.”

Henry sends couriers to scour the English countryside for any remaining Catherines or Katherines whom he hasn’t yet married.

Art Heist Prompts No-Dress Code

2010-05-21T08:22:00.000-05:00

Patron, not realizing paintings are missing, attempts to discern exhibit's "meaning."

(Paris) – Following one of the world’s biggest art heists, French authorities instituted a crackdown on clothing worn by patrons at the Paris Museum of Modern Art.

The priceless paintings were probably smuggled out beneath a museum-goer’s trenchcoat, officials said. As a result, all future visitors will be required to tour the museum in the nude.

Dozens of French unions immediately pledged to staff security checkpoints where incoming tourists will be frisked. Volunteers include Parisian transportation workers, garbage collectors and parking checkers, all of whom have been on strike since 1965.

The stolen works include “Still Life with Gerbil” by Henri Matisse, “Lint on Candy Raisins” by Amedeo Modigliani, and Pablo Picasso’s “Really Ugly Cubist Thing That Looks Like an Orangutan on Acid.”

When you can't stop at just 10

2010-05-20T10:40:00.000-05:00

Worried that your habit of chowing down mini cupcakes has gotten out of hand? Watch for these signs of cupcake abuse.

Family or friends have noticed that you’ve put on an extra hundred pounds.
You are frequently broke from spending $2.50 per half-mouthful.
You’ve ruined your plumbing while trying to hide the evidence by flushing handfuls of discarded wrappers down the crapper.
You stash cupcakes in your underwear drawer, gun cabinet, and auto glove compartment to make sure you’ll never run out.
You spend so much time eating cupcakes that you stop doing things you love, such as watching the Shopping Channel.

ObamaCare and MamaCare

2010-05-19T10:48:00.000-05:00

Time a visit to the veterinarian to coincide with your due date.

Have you read the fine print of the new health-care bill? Neither has Congress. Nevertheless, the bill passed.

Pregnant women, take note: If you're at all concerned about your health coverage under this new system, schedule a routine vet checkup for your cat or dog around your due date. With any luck, you'll go into labor during the visit, and they'll have to deliver the baby. It's in the Hippocratic oath, or something.