From Potter to Pig

(Hollywood, Calif.) Actor Daniel Radcliffe hopes his upcoming movie “Green Acres: The Musical” will free him from typecasting as Harry Potter, a role he has played for more than 10 years.

In the new film, Radcliffe plays Arnold Ziffel, an intelligent, pampered pig who attends school and watches westerns on TV. The role challenged him as an actor: “At first I wondered: what is Arnold’s motivation? But before long I realized he has the same motivation as most people – to lie on the couch, watch television and overeat.”

Who says TV’s not educational?

Historical facts gleaned from premier episode of Pillars of the Earth on the Starz network:

1. Donald Sutherland is still alive.

Sneak preview of next episode: The Earl of Sandwich invents a lunch item.

Five Tips for Taking Great Vacation Photos

1. Go somewhere interesting.
2. Look for themes: nonstop rain, constantly getting lost, or consistently awful food. Take a series of photos elaborating on the theme as it develops.
3. Always carry your camera. Sometimes the best photo-ops occur in unexpected places, like public restrooms.
4. Practice beforehand to learn technical aspects of your camera, like taking off the lens cap before pressing the shutter release.
5. Shoot embarrassing candids of family members snoring in the back seat, stuffing their faces at a buffet, falling off a mechanical bull, and so on. Shots like these can provide significant blackmail income when you threaten to post them online.  

Yellow Jersey Lost…Again

(Somewhere-Unpronounceable-in-France) – Cyclist Andy Schleck lost the yellow jersey to Alberto Contador during the 15th stage of the Tour de France yesterday.

“He tore the shirt off my back,” Schleck noted after the stage. “I never saw him coming.”

Losses are not uncommon among wearers of the yellow jersey. Previous leaders have lost the jersey at the dry cleaners, left it at a girlfriend’s house and forgotten it in public restrooms after taking a sponge bath. However, it is rare for a Tour leader to lose the jersey during the race itself.

Schleck vowed revenge, despite rumors that Contador plans to duct-tape the shirt to his torso during the next stage.

Brett Favre: He’s Baaaaack

(Minneapolis) In a press conference yesterday, elderly quarterback Brett Favre broke into song while reflecting on recent career lowlights. Asked about the fateful fourth-quarter interception in the NFC championship game last January, Favre sang:
I’ve gotta be me
I’ve gotta be me
Forcing a pass
Getting knocked on my ass
I’ve gotta be me

Favre also claimed he was so dehydrated during a comeback victory over the San Francisco 49ers that he went 13 hours without urinating:
I just couldn’t pee
I just couldn’t pee
Daring to try
Made me totally dry
I just couldn’t pee

The song outburst forced most reporters to flee the conference room.

Tips for landscaping with rocks

Burying the rock 4 to 6 inches into the ground makes a big difference.

Rocks and boulders add that special finishing touch to your landscape design. Experts define rocks as pieces of stone you can move by yourself, whereas boulders are those requiring two or more suckers – er, friends – to transport.

A common mistake is to simply plunk the boulder atop the ground. Instead, bury it several inches so it looks as if a meteor plummeted into your yard.

It’s also a good idea to place rocks in groups, so they don’t get lonely. Be sure the groups are compatible, though. Sedimentary rocks get along with most any other rocks, but igneous rocks tend to pick fights with each other. Other notoriously quarrelsome types are decidious rocks and liquid hot magma.

Larger rocks can be used to create what’s known in the trade as a rock wall. If you’re not well versed in grouting techniques, never fear. Simply create a base about eight feet wide, then keep piling rocks on top until the wall is as tall as necessary to keep out the neighborhood cats.

What’s on YOUR campfire stick?

Recently I used the Survey Minkey tool to ask randomly selected SpoofFrog Croaks subscribers: What’s your favorite campfire food? Here’s what they said.

55% flaming, charred marshmallows
50% flaming, charred hot dogs
42% baked beans a la “Blazing Saddles”
30% raw carrot
24% mashed potatoes
1% eye of newt, muah-haaa-haaaa
Note: Due to careless rounding, responses do not equal 100%.

To increase your odds of getting randomly selected for future polls of SpoofFrog Croaks subscribers, try to be as random as you can. Also, sign up for SpoofFrog Croaks at http://www.carsonmania.com/ so I’ll know you exist.

Jekyll Hyde, DDS

Most dentists are jovial and compassionate. But if jolly/benign is not your bag, here are three surefire tactics to turn your dentist into a raving sadist. 

1. Say: “Hey, doc. ‘Is it safe?’ Ha ha ha ha!”
2. Go on and on about Steve Martin’s character in “Little Shop of Horrors.”
3. Ask for nitrous oxide the next time you get your teeth cleaned. Halfway through the procedure, fall out of the chair. 

Career Hints: The Elevator Pitch

Everyone needs an “elevator pitch” – a description of your objectives so concise you can deliver it in the time it takes to ride up an elevator. Or maybe down an elevator, depending on how your career’s going.

For example:

“Do you know vere I can find Sarah Connah? I have been programmed to assassinate her.”

Refine and rehearse your elevator pitch until you’ve got it down cold. Then network like crazy until you find that valuable contact person who knows where Sarah Connah is.