‘Precycled’ Packaging Bypasses Entire Process

A typical day's worth of merchandise sold. 

First there was packaging made from recycled materials. Then came packaging that could be recycled in a compost bin after use. Now, a Vermont company has introduced “precycled” packaging, which eliminates the process altogether.

Products ordered online from Mulchification.com never leave the factory. Instead they are immediately delivered to a mulch pile behind the warehouse, where they disintegrate within a week.

“It all started when we began offering packaging made from gently recycled toilet paper,” says company president Jimbob Cootie. “It never really caught on, but suddenly we realized that was the whole point. Why deliver physical products at all?

“Now we offer ‘carbon offsets’ based on the value of products you order but don’t actually receive. It’s a great way to reduce your carbon footprint while keeping the packaging odor out of your house.”

Mulchification’s product line includes organic cotton t-shirts, organic celery, and ugly hand-knit caps with earflaps.

Wisconsin losing sunlight; Illinois suspected

(Sullivan, Wis.) Wisconsin is now losing about three minutes of sunlight per day, and most state meteorologists point to Illinois as the culprit.

Officials at the National Weather Service’s local office noted that while Wisconsin’s daylight grows shorter, the length of days in Illinois has increased.

“They’re not even trying to hide it,” noted one official, who asked to remain anonymous because of death threats from the Chicago mob. “Some evenings in Cicero, the sun doesn’t set until 10:30 p.m.”

Although local officials have appealed for federal intervention, little help is expected, with most federal officials currently investigating the annual theft of warm winter weather by the Caribbean islands.

'Purgatory Perks' Provide Heavenly Value

(Bentonville, Ark. and Vatican City, Rome) Determined to outdo “cents off at the gas pump” promotions hosted recently by regional supermarkets, Wal-Mart Stores Inc. and the Vatican have jointly announced the Purgatory Perks program.

Various products throughout each Wal-Mart store are identified with the PP symbol and the amount to be earned. For instance:

• Ritz crackers, 36-oz. box: 3 days
• Bounty jumbo paper towels, 8-pack: 1 week
• John Deere riding mower: 45 years

Customers who buy qualifying products simply present their PP card to be scanned at checkout. Points accumulate throughout one’s lifetime. Upon death (a.k.a. the “final checkout”), a participant’s accumulated total is applied immediately, reducing the time to be spent in purgatory.

"We anticipate our customers will appreciate the great savings as Wal-Mart seeks to expand its value parameters into the hereafter,” said Wal-Mart President and CEO Mike Duke. Pope Benedict XVI added, “Dominus deus ex precipio mundum est, in nomine Wal-Mart.”

Ancient Tool Misuse Uncovered

(New York) – Scientists announced archeological evidence from Ethiopia revealing that tools were misused much earlier than previously thought.

These remains of stone tools and human bones show that the hammer was invented about 3.4 million years ago, and that a thumb was struck by the hammer about 5 minutes later.

In a separate and equally important find, archeologists discovered evidence of the first product liability lawsuit. However, since the hammer-user was probably also the manufacturer of the hammer, the lawsuit was soon dropped.

This Week’s Unadoptable Pet: Brutus

Brutus, a three-year old gorilla, was rescued from a puppy mill and is looking for a forever home with fellow hominids. When he's not in his 20-by-20-foot cage, this 800-pound guy sits – you guessed it – wherever he wants.

Brutus rides well in the car (on the roof) and knows the commands “come,” “stay,” “sit,” and “put down the toddler.” He likes bananas, uses American Sign Language, and prefers a Sleep Number bed with a firmness setting of 75.

Brutus will return your love with great loyalty and affection. He will wash your car, change the oil and check the tire air pressure. He also makes a great babysitter for children strong enough to bench press 200 pounds.

Quantum Physics on a Stick

Quantum physics, minus the stick. 

Quantum Physics on a Stick, the new taste treat at the 2010 Wisconsin State Fair, got off to a slow start at the fair’s opening day.

The president of the Albert Einstein School of Cosmetology, which sold the deep-fried treat at its booth, predicted that sales of QPS would eventually pick up “even though only one person in a thousand can actually understand what it is.”

A random sampling of those who purchased QPS revealed that just 5% felt smarter after eating it, while 52% said it tasted like chicken.

Get Fat at the Fair

The Wisconsin State Fair begins this Thursday. Time to loosen your belt several notches!  

• Arrive hungry. Everything tastes better then.
• Avoid drinking water. Instead, have a beer. Heck, have a whole pitcher of beer, even if you’re drinking alone.
• Caffeinated beverages tend to dehydrate you, so guzzle them to help rid your body of “water weight.”
• Rent a motorized scooter to keep from wasting precious energy while waddling from one food booth to another.
• Avoid the swine barn, which might remind you of the last time you looked in the mirror.
• Don’t waste your appetite on low-fat meats like ostrich and bison. Ecch! Ptooey!
• Stay away from fresh fruits, flavored milk, and anything else available at the grocery store.
• Get more bang from your buck with delights like chocolate-covered bacon on a stick, which provides protein, fat, dessert, and fiber (if you chew clear through the stick).