Those bloody lupines!

The bloody lupines are blooming again. For the next few weeks we’ll sit on lupines, sleep in lupines, feed the cat with lupines, burn lupines, and even wear the bloody things. We’re sick to death with the stench of them! The cat even choked itself on them! We don’t care if we never see another lupine until the day we die!! Bloody lupines!!!

Celebrity Horoscope: Fredo Corleone

FREDO, your horoscope for today…You should marry a nice girl, like Kay. Your chances for career advancement seem unlikely; you will be sent to pick up somebody at the airport. Avoid fishing trips.

This Week's Unadoptable Dog: Shrinking Violet

“Submissive” doesn’t begin to describe Shrinking Violet. This Miniature Daschund is so shy, she pees on the floor if you so much as think about her...even if you’re in another room. Her previous family tore out all their carpeting and replaced it with concrete.

If you are lucky enough to find Shrinking Violet in her latest hiding space (under the bed, under the couch, under the refrigerator, etc.), she will roll belly-up and play dead.

Shrinking Violet has been spayed and will gladly surrender additional organs to appease you. She is not recommended for households where there is any talking, sneezing, sounds of music or TV, shadows, or drafts.

This Week's Unadoptable Cat: Meanie

Meanie is a short-haired black cat who attacks anyone within reach. The family who brought her to our shelter claimed their child had developed an allergy. Ha!

Meanie is definitely not housetrained; buy yourself a gas mask. She insists on sleeping underneath your bed and rakes your bare feet with her claws when you get up in the morning.

If you don’t provide just the right brand of expensive canned food, Meanie will break into your cupboard and lap up all the extra-virgin olive oil.

Meanie is about 13 years old and will probably outlive you, especially if you try to pet her.

10 Beauty Mistakes That Make You Look Old

1. Being older than 53.
2. Lipstick extended several inches beyond your natural lip line.
3. Hair dyed the color of beneath-the-rim toilet bowl deodorizer.
4. Wearing all your jewelry at once.
5. Plunging necklines which reveal that your cleavage has turned to saggage.
6. Two or more inches of foundation makeup.
7. Too-small Spanx underwear that redistributes the blubber up to your ribcage.
8. Hanging around with Red Hat Ladies.
9. Wearing nurse shoes to a formal dinner.
10. Filling in your crow’s feet with eyeliner pencil.

 

LazyTones: Shoes for the Slothful

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

South Milwaukee, WI – Okay, so Reebok’s new EasyTones athletic shoes are inspired by balance ball technology that strengthens your muscles with every step, blah blah blah. But if you’re like most people, you’d rather sit on your butt than tone it. You’re a LazyTones customer.

Here’s a side-by-side comparison from our actual field tests.

Cost   EasyTones athletic shoes retail for $100; LazyTones slippers are available at dollar stores everywhere.

Toning   EasyTones generate 28% more gluteus maximus muscle activation; LazyTones generate 57% more eating of Lay’s Potato Chips.

User reports   EasyTones wearers believe their muscles are working harder; LazyTones wearers believe “America’s Funniest Home Videos” isn’t as funny as it used to be.

Automatic benefits   EasyTones automatically provide a workout; LazyTones automatically sweep up excess pet hair from the carpet.

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For more information, contact Layin’ Around da House Industries, http://www.layinarounddahouse.com/.

The Interminable Tudors

 How come Jonathan Rhys Meyers isn't this fat?

In case you haven’t been following Showtime’s “The Tudors” this season, here’s a synopsis.

Henry suspects his fifth wife, the former Lady Katherine Puberty, of two-timing him with the Royal Navy.

Prince Edward the Precious falls ill with a fever, then recovers, upon which Henry orders a solemn service of thanksgiving...for the fidelity of his wife.

The former Lady Katherine Puberty becomes the former Queen of England when she is beheaded for adultery.

Henry marries Lady Catherine Perimenopause. Five minutes later, when she fails to produce a son and heir, he has her beheaded.

Spain’s ambassador to England, longtime champion of Henry’s first wife Katherine of Arrogance, celebrates his 357th birthday.

Smuggled documents reveal that France’s King Francis privately refers to Henry as a “fat pig.” Henry declares war on France. Ten minutes later, England is victorious, and Francis signs a treaty declaring that Henry is “not a fat pig.”

Henry sends couriers to scour the English countryside for any remaining Catherines or Katherines whom he hasn’t yet married.

Art Heist Prompts No-Dress Code

Patron, not realizing paintings are missing, attempts to discern exhibit's "meaning."

(Paris) – Following one of the world’s biggest art heists, French authorities instituted a crackdown on clothing worn by patrons at the Paris Museum of Modern Art.

The priceless paintings were probably smuggled out beneath a museum-goer’s trenchcoat, officials said. As a result, all future visitors will be required to tour the museum in the nude.

Dozens of French unions immediately pledged to staff security checkpoints where incoming tourists will be frisked. Volunteers include Parisian transportation workers, garbage collectors and parking checkers, all of whom have been on strike since 1965.

The stolen works include “Still Life with Gerbil” by Henri Matisse, “Lint on Candy Raisins” by Amedeo Modigliani, and Pablo Picasso’s “Really Ugly Cubist Thing That Looks Like an Orangutan on Acid.”

When you can't stop at just 10

  

Worried that your habit of chowing down mini cupcakes has gotten out of hand? Watch for these signs of cupcake abuse.

• Family or friends have noticed that you’ve put on an extra hundred pounds.
• You are frequently broke from spending $2.50 per half-mouthful.
• You’ve ruined your plumbing while trying to hide the evidence by flushing handfuls of discarded wrappers down the crapper.
• You stash cupcakes in your underwear drawer, gun cabinet, and auto glove compartment to make sure you’ll never run out.
• You spend so much time eating cupcakes that you stop doing things you love, such as watching the Shopping Channel.

ObamaCare and MamaCare

Time a visit to the veterinarian to coincide with your due date.

Have you read the fine print of the new health-care bill? Neither has Congress. Nevertheless, the bill passed.

Pregnant women, take note: If you're at all concerned about your health coverage under this new system, schedule a routine vet checkup for your cat or dog around your due date. With any luck, you'll go into labor during the visit, and they'll have to deliver the baby. It's in the Hippocratic oath, or something.