Reader Survey: Here Come the Holidays

We asked our readers: How do you make holiday entertaining easy and fun?
75% Serve lots of liquor
40% Leave town
38% For Pete’s sake, Halloween isn’t even over yet, and you’re already pushing Christmas!
22% Convert to Judaism
17% Is that pie chart apple or pumpkin?
Responses exceed 100% due to surveyors’ poor grasp of arithmetic.

Fun with Flu Shots

Haven’t gotten your flu shot yet? Why not?! What the heck is wrong with you???????

Oops, sorry. We meant to say that these days it’s so easy and convenient to get your annual flu vaccination, since Walgreens, Target and other chains offer them on a walk-in basis. But here are some other providers you may not have heard of.

Ace Hardware provides flu shots in its power tools department in conjunction with Stihl Tools. You can specify drill speed, from excruciatingly slow to exceedingly fast.

At Wild Birds Unlimited, your shot is administered by a real live woodpecker. Just make sure that the clerk cleans the bird’s bill between customers.

Sherwin Williams Paint offers shots in 459 colors from pastel to designer shades. If you’ve never had a flu shot before, ask to be primed first.

Gardening for Dummies

Dear Garden Expert,
The trees in our yard are turning yellow and dropping all their leaves. I tried gluing the leaves back on, but the wind blew them off again. Are my trees dying? Help!

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried:
Those of us in the gardening industry are familiar with this leaf syndrome. It occurs during what is technically known as Autumn. Your yard is located in Zone 9½: Arctic, where Autumn will be followed by eight months of Winter. Then comes six hours of Spring, and finally, Summer, when the leaves will grow back (maybe). Enjoy your yard!

‘Precycled’ Packaging Bypasses Entire Process

A typical day's worth of merchandise sold. 

First there was packaging made from recycled materials. Then came packaging that could be recycled in a compost bin after use. Now, a Vermont company has introduced “precycled” packaging, which eliminates the process altogether.

Products ordered online from Mulchification.com never leave the factory. Instead they are immediately delivered to a mulch pile behind the warehouse, where they disintegrate within a week.

“It all started when we began offering packaging made from gently recycled toilet paper,” says company president Jimbob Cootie. “It never really caught on, but suddenly we realized that was the whole point. Why deliver physical products at all?

“Now we offer ‘carbon offsets’ based on the value of products you order but don’t actually receive. It’s a great way to reduce your carbon footprint while keeping the packaging odor out of your house.”

Mulchification’s product line includes organic cotton t-shirts, organic celery, and ugly hand-knit caps with earflaps.

Wisconsin losing sunlight; Illinois suspected

(Sullivan, Wis.) Wisconsin is now losing about three minutes of sunlight per day, and most state meteorologists point to Illinois as the culprit.

Officials at the National Weather Service’s local office noted that while Wisconsin’s daylight grows shorter, the length of days in Illinois has increased.

“They’re not even trying to hide it,” noted one official, who asked to remain anonymous because of death threats from the Chicago mob. “Some evenings in Cicero, the sun doesn’t set until 10:30 p.m.”

Although local officials have appealed for federal intervention, little help is expected, with most federal officials currently investigating the annual theft of warm winter weather by the Caribbean islands.

'Purgatory Perks' Provide Heavenly Value

(Bentonville, Ark. and Vatican City, Rome) Determined to outdo “cents off at the gas pump” promotions hosted recently by regional supermarkets, Wal-Mart Stores Inc. and the Vatican have jointly announced the Purgatory Perks program.

Various products throughout each Wal-Mart store are identified with the PP symbol and the amount to be earned. For instance:

• Ritz crackers, 36-oz. box: 3 days
• Bounty jumbo paper towels, 8-pack: 1 week
• John Deere riding mower: 45 years

Customers who buy qualifying products simply present their PP card to be scanned at checkout. Points accumulate throughout one’s lifetime. Upon death (a.k.a. the “final checkout”), a participant’s accumulated total is applied immediately, reducing the time to be spent in purgatory.

"We anticipate our customers will appreciate the great savings as Wal-Mart seeks to expand its value parameters into the hereafter,” said Wal-Mart President and CEO Mike Duke. Pope Benedict XVI added, “Dominus deus ex precipio mundum est, in nomine Wal-Mart.”

Ancient Tool Misuse Uncovered

(New York) – Scientists announced archeological evidence from Ethiopia revealing that tools were misused much earlier than previously thought.

These remains of stone tools and human bones show that the hammer was invented about 3.4 million years ago, and that a thumb was struck by the hammer about 5 minutes later.

In a separate and equally important find, archeologists discovered evidence of the first product liability lawsuit. However, since the hammer-user was probably also the manufacturer of the hammer, the lawsuit was soon dropped.