May 21, 2010

The Interminable Tudors

 How come Jonathan Rhys Meyers isn't this fat?

In case you haven’t been following Showtime’s “The Tudors” this season, here’s a synopsis.

Henry suspects his fifth wife, the former Lady Katherine Puberty, of two-timing him with the Royal Navy.

Prince Edward the Precious falls ill with a fever, then recovers, upon which Henry orders a solemn service of thanksgiving...for the fidelity of his wife.

The former Lady Katherine Puberty becomes the former Queen of England when she is beheaded for adultery.

Henry marries Lady Catherine Perimenopause. Five minutes later, when she fails to produce a son and heir, he has her beheaded.

Spain’s ambassador to England, longtime champion of Henry’s first wife Katherine of Arrogance, celebrates his 357th birthday.

Smuggled documents reveal that France’s King Francis privately refers to Henry as a “fat pig.” Henry declares war on France. Ten minutes later, England is victorious, and Francis signs a treaty declaring that Henry is “not a fat pig.”

Henry sends couriers to scour the English countryside for any remaining Catherines or Katherines whom he hasn’t yet married.

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