Spy vs. Spy

Code word greetings and answers used by alleged Russian agents, counter-agents and counter-counter agents to verify a contact’s identity:

“Excuse me – didn’t we meet in Beijing last year?”
“No, but your pants are on backward.”

“Could we have met at Summerfest in 2008?”
“Yes, we might have. Were you the guy who dumped a beer down my back?”

“Pardon me, is there a poultry processing plant nearby?”
“Yes, it’s right next to the tuxedo rental store.”

A Word to the Wine

(San Francisco) The International Association of Wine Snobs has issued the following Standards Updates.

Section 1.87.2  Replacements for overused adjectives
Dry will henceforth be known as parched. Full-bodied is now obese. Sweet has been renamed cloying.

Section 1.94.9  New adjectives
Employ the following descriptions for wine when applicable: crisp, grassy, oaky, velvety, icky, sleepy, dopey, Guernsey, huge, lemonade-y, irritable, damp, and hardworking.

Go Forth to the Fourth

Gear up your brain for Independence Day with this multiple-guess quiz.

(1) American patriot Patrick Henry’s famous speech proclaimed: “Give me liberty or give me ____.” (a) Spandex (b) a glass of ale (c) something other than liberty.

(2) “The Star Spangled Banner” is based on which 18th-century tune? (a) “It’s a Small World” (b) “Stayin’ Alive” (c) “The Whiffenpoof Song”

(3) Small-town parades often kick off with fire trucks blaring their sirens to (a) make sure they still work (b) wake up senior citizens dozing in lawn chairs along the parade route.

LinkedIn Through the Ages: William Tecumseh Sherman

From General Sherman’s LinkedIn profile:

Recommendations for William

“I highly recommend Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman, whose brilliant executive abilities helped me defeat the Confederacy. His “scorched earth” policy established new benchmarks for effective warfare, tearing through the countryside with no distinction between military and civilian opponents. I am also impressed that he has three full names rather than just a middle initial.” March 22, 1870

[2nd degree connection] Ulysses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States
-- was with another company when he worked with William in the Union Army

Beat the Heat

It seems like just yesterday you were complaining about the bitter cold. Now you’re too hot. That’s the beauty of a four-season climate: there’s always something to complain about.

Here are some ways to keep your cool this summer.

• It’s at least 10 degrees cooler in the shade, so rip up a large tree, place it in a trailer, and tow it behind your car.
• Avoid turning on the oven. At breakfast, fire up the outdoor grill to prepare oatmeal; for best results, use a pot. At lunch and supper, search recipe websites for summertime favorites like Popsicle Casserole and Shaved Ice Au Gratin.  
• Stock your refrigerator with plenty of lemonade, iced tea and fruit juices. While your kids are busy drinking these, you can sneak off to a resort where the air conditioning works better than yours.
• Live in your basement from May until September.

 

Force Your Kids To Read This Summer

Never mind the topic; buy your daughter a book that complements her hair color.

Having a hard time cramming the school’s summer reading program down your kids’ throats? Create your own incentives. Establish the number of books (say, 10,000) they must read before Labor Day. Then promise them a reward when they reach this goal. Make sure the reward is meaningful to your child, such as a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, a Maserati, or the chance to set fire to a sibling’s room.

This week on The Tudors

This week on the penultimate* episode of Showtime’s “The Tudors”:

Henry’s old age becomes evident in a rasping Al Pacino voice acquired overnight. As head of the Church of England, he establishes the Sacrament of Sitting in a Recliner.

The Earl of Sussex stands trial for unauthorized use of the royal platypus in his family crest, as well as for having the word “sex” in his surname. He nearly escapes prison by sliding down the crapper but is apprehended and taken to a maximum-security toilet-less cell.

Five minutes after a Protestant female preacher is burned at the stake for heresy, Queen Katherine arouses Henry’s suspicion by inviting reformer Martin Luther to high tea at the palace.

*Penultimate: Latin for “thank goodness it’s wheezing to an end”

You’re not getting older, you’re getting noisier

In your 50s, when you pick up something that has fallen to the floor, you grunt when you straighten up.

In your 60s, when picking something off the floor, you grunt when you bend down and when you straighten up.

In your 70s, you grunt when you merely think about picking up something from the floor.

In your 80s, when something falls on the floor, it stays there.

Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver

1. Don't drink.
2. Don't get hepatitis.

Ummm...to be continued when I think of 48 more ways....

Celebrity Horoscope: Douglas MacArthur

GENERAL MacARTHUR, your horoscope for today…Your immediate plans will meet stiff opposition. Leave at high tide. You shall return.

Send in the Clones for Gagapalooza

Lady Gaga with clone #278.

The managers of Lady Gaga confirmed rumors today that the pop star has been cloned into multiple copies. The cloning enables her to play several concerts simultaneously around the world each night of her summer tour, Gagapalooza.

Highlights of the tour will include:

• enormous stage sets, including the actual Empire State Building and the Golden Gate Bridge
• costumes purchased from all participants in the 2010 Rose Parade in Pasadena, Calif.; Mardis Gras 2010 in New Orleans, La.; and the 2005 ordination of Pope Benedict XVI at Vatican City
• a dance troupe consisting of the entire population of China

This Week’s Unadoptable Pet: Gilbert

Gilbert is a 2-year-old alligator who’s a bit shy, but once he warms up to you, he’ll be your forever friend. Gilbert likes to cuddle on the couch, watch TV, and swallow whole frozen chickens.

When he’s with his family, Gilbert loves being handled and will roll onto his back for a belly rub. Gilbert is leash trained. He gets along with other pets, especially poultry. He doesn’t even need a crate or a pet bed, since he prefers sleeping in your bathtub.

Gilbert would be OK with kids, provided they can run really, really fast.

The Capitalist Manifesto, by Joe Hummingbird

Sugar water is a scarce commodity.

Never share. Even if there are three perches on the feeder, it is better to chase another hummingbird all over the garden than to let him drink.

Yellowjackets are probably Communists, since they share the feeder with each other.

Seen in the Showroom

Manufacturer’s sticker on new 2011 model Suicide Pod:
EPA Performance Standards
city: 2,888 mpg
highway: No way, Jose

Standard Features
one-speed transmission with Fred Flintstone foot-propelled overdrive
Matchbox Car wheels
two-anorexic-person seating

Options
Glove compartment next-of-kin card holder
GPS location transmitter so rescue crews know where to bring spatula if you venture onto highway
Deluxe St. Christopher statue on dashboard
Emergency kit with placards: “Send Help,” “Send Spatula,” and “Too Late, Never Mind”

Waiting for Chick-To-Go

Was this entrée worth 30 minutes of your life?

Ways to kill time while waiting at the supermarket deli for the dozen-piece broasted chicken dinner you were told (20 minutes ago) would be ready in five minutes:  

• Stand at the deli, loudly counting: “One, Mississippi…two Mississippi…”
• In the dairy aisle, grab a can of Reddi-Whip and spray “H8 2 W8” on the refrigerated case’s glass door.
• Page through celebrity magazines. Black out teeth in photos of Sarah Jessica Parker.
• Commandeer a phone at a cashier’s station and announce over the intercom: “Aww, f*** it, Dude, let’s go bowling.”

 

Weather Perfect for 3-Day Holiday; End of World Feared

Anxious picnickers put on a brave front.

Madison, WI – Area residents braced for the end of the world after three consecutive days of perfect weather over Memorial Day weekend. Accustomed to all-day rains, frost and slush at this supposed kickoff for summer, residents had to be herded by National Guard troops toward parks, beaches and recreation trails. Many expressed fear that the end of the world was at hand.

Weather anxiety was also blamed for a flare-up of tempers at the World’s Largest Brat Fest on Monday. An incursion by the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile was met with a volley of hot barbecue coals by the fest’s sponsor, Johnsonville Brats. The Weinermobile closed all its ports and dove to the bottom of a park lagoon, where it remained until a really crummy garage band at the main stage drove everyone away, including the Johnsonville grill team.